The Roller Coaster ride continues.

We're still trying to find a canned food that he eats with the same relish as the Friskies Fine Cuts. I know that's what he keeps hoping for. No luck on liver at all. So, we'll have to go to a supplement for the same benefits. Putting the Hoxsey in some Kittymalt (a paste for hairballs that he likes)  isn't working either. So, I'm going to get some gel capsules so we can put it and an Omega-3 supplement powder in them.

This morning, Nora said with a catch in her voice, "You know, his lump's not getting any smaller". My fragile optimism (or at least lessening of dwelling on the cancer) crumbled like an eggshell.

Morale isn't the best around the house at the moment. Nora returned to work this week, but she had to leave work early because she was getting too tired. While she's sleeping relatively comfortable now, but she's still feeling tired to an extent. Guess it'll take a while longer to fully recover. Meanwhile, Max's precarious state of health is wearing on her mind.

I had to admit, I'm not sure the lump's gotten any smaller, either. I was hoping at least it hasn't gotten bigger. Feeling it, it may be what the doctor calls "granulating" lumps, where it feels like several smaller, rounder lumps. What's worse, I found some sort of BB-sized lump under his skin on his other side further along his ribs. The main lump seems within a half inch or so of his spine.

It's hard to keep from dwelling on Max's failing health. Every time he doesn't eat very much of a treat, I fret - mostly inwardly. Nora and I are avoiding talking about our feelings more and more, so that we don't upset the other. I feel like I have to maintain some sort of strength for both of us, so that neither of us goes into a tailspin. It's hard to maintain focus on my latest costume project, but I made a commitment and should stick to it. Common sense tells me I can't stop my life while this plays out, but I feel a certain amount of guilt if I distract myself too much. I haven't told Nora about this new lump I found yet. I don't want to bring down any more, but I suspect she'll find it soon enough on her own.

I think I may be getting nearer to being actually depressed. I went over to my folks' house at lunch (they live close to my work). We talked about a couple of pets they ha that had had cancer and pets that they'd had to put to sleep when they got too old. I felt a little better afterwards, just sharing my feelings.

This is definitely changing me over the long haul. This long decline is making me feel my age. I should be grateful for all the time we've had with Max so far, but when every time we're being beaten by this cancer, a little bit of me becomes more somber - I'm laughing less.

I've been contemplating just not taking Max back to the specialists, but have changed my mind. I've made his appointment for his white blood cell check up this Friday. I want to get their confirmation and the final check up, despite the cost. I'm afraid the results will be that the chemo is still no good. If that is the case, then I'll stop treatment and look into the artemesinin. And that will be his last chance. It is so hard to admit that. I pray that it works. The sooner I can get it, the better. I'm even thinking of seeing if I can have it blessed by a priest. Anything.

He still acts like his old self - he's so sweet. He's still leaking fluids from the hole. If only we could get that to heal, it might make us feel a little better.

Money's tight because of Max's bills and Nora being off work. I see a lot of debt to pay off and more expenses coming with no improvement in my financial situation in sight. Cutting back on other expenses would just sap morale, too. This experience is not the same as having a spouse or other relative in a terminal condition, but still feels awful, nonetheless. I still don't want to give up hope, but it's getting harder to think in terms of moving to the next treatment.

I've been in contact with a couple of animal communicators. I'm not entirely certain what I want to find out, other than to urge Max to eat more and find out how he fells. I like one set of services one communicator offers, but I need to look into this further.

Do I believe in this stuff? I want to. This crisis has got me grasping for anything.

I keep wanting to buy one of those photo frames from Radio shack with the chip in it to record Max's voice, but somehow that would be admitting I'm giving up. I can't bring myself to do it. We do already have a smaller one with his voice, but I'd like to have a larger picture and a new recording. But not yet.

3:00 pm

Okay, I've talked to the holistic doctors. Apparently, the CAS is still the first line of defense with this treatment we're giving him. We just have to make sure we're giving him everything he needs. I'm still going to take him to the oncologist for a final evaluation, but I pretty much know what the results will be.

Now, all I have left is prayer and the hope this CAS can do some good. I guess we're coming to the end of regular medical treatments. Damn this disease.

I think I may call this one animal communicator…..