Yesterday was pretty rough. I was pretty down all day. Mostly because I already knew what the vet was going to say today, having taken Max in this morning. The tumor appears to be getting closer to his spine and the two "BBs" are growing, also.

It is so hard to have to even think of losing him.

I contacted an Animal communicator named Barb Ponter. She ordinarily only works with horses, but offered to try to "speak" with Max telepathically. I don't know completely what I'd like to ask other than how he's feeling and make sure he's not in pain. She even offered to call this weekend. She's also something called a Reiki Healer. She also recommended some flower essences to put in the cats' water. Not sure what that's supposed to do yet.

The last couple of nights, I've gotten up in the middle of the night and lay down on the couch with him, our bodies touching. If there was some way for me to transfer some of my life energy to heal him, I would. I still haven't told Nora about the new lumps yet. She was in too bad a mood. I guess I'll use the vet trip as an opening to discuss it. It still will put us in a bad emotional frame.

This crisis period has caused us to neglect each other, emotionally, to some extent. I've noticed my appetite has fallen off a little.

I'm praying an awful lot these days. I'm praying mostly for a miracle. I've even signed up on the Pet Prayer Line.

Whatever the outcome, my life is changing. Someone on the VAS list, speaking metaphysically, said that we have all been brought together to be advocates for VAS Awareness.

I'm thinking of leaving early today so Max doesn't have to stay at the vet's all day.

Got some prayers off the prayer line website last night. I've started praying the Novena Prayer to St. Francis for the next 9 days. Messed up the bottom of one of the pages I printed out with a big ol' tear. Smeared it pretty well.

As I sat and wept, saying the prayers for Max before I went to work and took him to the vet, Merlin came up and whined at me. He's worried that something's wrong (eve though he doesn't particularly like Max).

I guess what I fear most is that this damn thing has been growing so fast that all the herbal supplements and prayers won't have enough time to do any good.

I sleep with the medal and coin of St. Francis under my pillow at night, along with pages of notes with "Remove the cancer from Max's body" written over and over on them.

2:42 pm

I get off early to pick Max up. Why do I have this awful pit in my stomach when I know what happens next?  There won't be anything new that I didn't already know….