August 28, 2003    AM

Okay, I'm officially feeling stressed. It doesn't take much, now. Praying for a miracle for Max isn't having the same temporary calming effect anymore. I'm not used to this. I've always been pretty laid back. I guess all this unsettlement is just grating on me. Taking things one day at a time is the philosophy to have, but that seems shortsighted.

When we were changing Max's T-shirt last night, I discovered a new small lump just above his spine. And the other two BBs have gotten bigger. Nothing seems to be stopping this growth so far. I'm going to call the Holistic Vet today. The regimen we have so far doesn't seem to be working.

Maybe it's time to look at the final lines of defense. I will mean more expense and more debt, but I'm still willing to give something a try. There's Essiac, artemisinin, and the more expensive Poly-MVA. I've written the manufacturer of the latter, but of course, they're going to say they've had good luck with it. I've sent a bunch of e-mails out to some holistic vets around the nation on the manufacturer's site to see what experience they might have with sarcomas, specifically.

So, I have this definite fluttering of my heart that signals a "fight or flight" kind of feeling. Between the losing battle with Max and thinking about the debt we're incurring trying to help him and thinking about the future, I'm getting worried.

Oh, I have enough money for day-to-day stuff, but it's no fun having so much debt hanging over my head. And I'm looking at taking out a school loan to get some training for a new job at work. And I'm going to need another car in a couple of years.

Ultimately, we'll get through this, but I've resolved to make some changes in my life. I'm going to have to cut back my competition costuming for 2 or 3 years. I'm going to concentrate on my wife and my cats. And I need to save a lot more money both for short term and for eventual retirement. Honestly, I'd like to stop the project I'm in now, but I made a commitment to some friends to do a group presentation at Archon this year in October.

Meanwhile, the Reiki Master that Barb Ponter put me in touch with may be coming over tonight. I don't know what good they can do, but I'll take any help I can get.

Trying not to worry isn't easy - I come from a long line of worriers on my mother's side. It's just that if I don't think and try to plan for the future, things might get worse.  Barb Ponter urged me not to be too upset around Max because animals can pick up on emotions. That's pretty tough. So, I try to look for distraction.

The proper attitude, I suppose, is that I should just make Max comfortable for however long he has, but that makes things worse, anxiety-wise. I can't do it. I don't feel I've exhausted all my options. But the desperation is rising.

Part of the problem is probably in the back of my mind I know he could die, or will have to be put to sleep, at anytime. The reality is, though, that it's not going to be that quick. But I worry (again) about knowing when to give up. And not wanting to.